“Mom – you’ll be proud- I just finished writing a long essay for my English class in one sitting! ” my teenager announced excitedly. “Yeah?” I smiled back. “What was it about?” ” If people can “choose” to be happy.” “Oh. That’s an interesting topic. Can I read it? Can we choose-what do you think?” I asked, curious to hear what his 16 -year-old philosophical take might be. “No and no. I can’t access my submission- it was a grade. And no, you can’t “choose” to be happy. Shit happens. And it feels crappy not happy!” “True. But do you think we can choose how we respond to it? Or how long we stay unhappy? ” I pressed on. “Ugh. You’re doing that thing again- turning everything into a life-lesson!” he teased and quickly added, “Can I sleepover at Jayden’s tonight?”
“He’s choosing to be happy”, I smiled to myself. Not the context we were discussing this in; there was no adversity, but it was a reminder that it’s a natural, human instinct to consciously choose experiences that make us happy.
“Would the Buddha agree?” I pondered.
Buddhism insists on being present and observing your thoughts and feelings and not attaching yourself to them. Transcendental happiness or nirvana is the ultimate goal of a Buddhist’s life. But the path to this ultimate “liberation of your mind” requires that you relinquish all attachment to things and people. While I generally find Buddhist principles to be beautiful and enlightening, I found this one to be impractical and unnatural.
Attachment to other people, especially our nearest and dearest, is what gives our lives meaning, isn’t it? Atleast for most of us- who are not, by definition- public crusaders or obsessive careerists?
Infact, Buddhism also teaches compassion and service to others as principles of daily living. How can you even want to live with compassion if you cannot allow yourself to be moved by the plight of others? To be affected by them without being attached? Aren’t these two tenets inherently contradictory? “Well, perhaps the principle of attachment refers to expectations from others, the outcome of our actions and thoughts, the emotions that hinge on reciprocity”, I corrected myself. But that’s a bunch of bs too, isn’t it? Aren’t these emotions what make our lives richer, and fulfilling?
I see the Buddha nodding his head. I see his train of thought- an actual train- the engine’s headlight glaring, causing the iconic aura to appear around his head, “Yes, emotions make our lives richer, but they are also the cause of all human suffering.” his voice echoes in my head. Hmm-that delivers me to the radical idea of “acceptance”. “Life is suffering” – that’s the most famous yet depressive saying in Buddhism. You cannot evade it. You can only accept it, and free yourself of the workings on your own mind, and you will be happy- not in the ephemeral ways of the unaware, but in the transcendental way of nirvana.
Well, even after all this rumination and enlightenment, I decided I love my attachments. I love that boy who is counting on me to say “Yes” to increase his happiness at this moment. And I will most certainly be willing to suffer any consequences for loving him too much were he to do something to hurt my feelings. To me- it is all worth it.
Life can be suffering. For some, life can be a lot of suffering, which is truly unfortunate. But for all other passing challenges, failures, and heartbreaks that show up in our lives, I prefer the motto, “A little adversity is good for the soul.” Accept the sadness of it, let it sit on your couch and wet your cushions; for when it leaves, it’s sure to renew your strength and wisdom in your new quests for happiness.
However, if it crashes on your couch for too long, be sure to call your shrink. After all, everybody has a predisposition to the degree of happiness they’re genetically capable of. Some of us are naturally sadder people-our levels of dopamine and serotonin refusing to overexert . And this by no measure means that you’re unlucky compared to the ever-smiling, happy folks you meet. Frankly, I find the latter annoying- smiling through everything like it’s life’s only goal. As if there is nothing else that’s worth a second thought, nothing that is worth shedding a few tears or being pensive over.
While happiness can be a goal, it is not what makes us introspective, benevolent people. So embrace your sad side, your share of misfortunes, empathize with another, and as long as you don’t wallow in it too deep or too long, you’re on a good path. Let it lead you to unknown places, and new discoveries about yourself and your world. And I would choose this over choosing to be happy any day-
– until, like the Buddha, I’m ready to let it all go.
